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Saturday, November 17, 2012

our waiting game is over..

sadly today, 
i found out that our waiting game is over.
it's not how i thought it was going to end
and we are left with some heartache
our sweet baby didn't make it at 7 weeks 6 days


i'm going to start back to week 3,
when i happened to take a chance to see if that little blue stick could tell me i was pregnant
it could & it did, and it told me I was...
giddiness & excitement followed & we were so excited

I documented as things progressed so I'll just share those as i wrote them,
so you can hear my raw feelings as they came:


day 1: tuesday, nov 6th -  6w+2
i first saw the tint in the undies that aren't suppose to be there,
I immediately went into freaking out mode, called the dr, text the husband, and got on google.....
nurse told me that since i didn't have cramping - it was probably nothing and they'd see me but it wasn't anything they can really do.. because things will take its course if needs be.


around the same time of being on the phone with the nurse, blind spots started to occur
which means get ready for a ginormous migraine.
luckily, the week prior i had called in to get a prescription for pregnancy safe migraine medicine.
something i knew i needed from the last round of pregnancy with lexi.
so i was able to take something immediately. very thankful.
took a nap, kinda.. rested, then voted
the rest of the day went on, and no more signs of anything tragic.
I decided to keep my head up, stay positive and maybe this was the "normal" kind
of bleeding some pregnancies encounter.
mom sent flowers that evening, since she is too far away for hugs

day 2: wednesday, nov 7th - 6w+3
saw more blood,
went into meltdown mode, again
called nurse,
she explained to me my options..
basically I could go in, perhaps see a heart beat today, then in two week there could be none.
and she proceeded to give me the basic run down of how a potential miscarriage would go
in the sweetest way possible
so I decided to just wait it out. keep hoping for nothing, and anticipating the worst.
got in a bath, lexi joined - i never get alone time :)
I was crying, lexi asked if i was sad,  i replied with a yes...
then she follows with a great big hug.
with both arms wrapped around my neck
she did this the prior day when i was sad as well.
that alone makes every sad feeling, feel much better... so off and on I would "get sad"
and she was right there to comfort me.
ty was in class.

at any chance there might be a small feeling of blood, i go check to see.
it's an emotional roller coaster right now anticipating the worst and hoping for the best.
nothing more the rest of the day

the 3rd time. saturday, nov 10th 6w+6
a couple of wipes again today...

the 4th time. sunday, nov 11th 7weeks
it has pretty much been spotting all day today
it's sunday
tonight i just want to cry, and i've decided to call the doctor as soon as they open to see if they can move up my wednesday appointment.
i can't stand the wait anymore.
i feel more confidant that we will for sure know something if we go in to the doctor tom.
since no rush of blood has yet to come.
i'm afraid of something serious tomorrow. and i'm afraid of no heart beat.
i have so much anxiety and worry right now and i just want it to go away.
i want to know already what is going on with my body, just so sick of waiting


monday, november 12th & 7w+1 (which they changed to 7w+2)
the first appointment
this was a really nerve wrecking appointment for us, especially me.
I had been so nervous over the weekend and I was ready to just figure out what was going on inside of me. I was expecting the worse, with very high hopes that everything would be ok. Still not expecting them to be. Once again, I didn't think I was that lucky... but i guess i am that blessed!

Monday morning, i set my alarm clock for 8:30, for when the doctors office opened.
I called & I told them the situation (pretty consistent spotting with no cramps).
They fit me in that afternoon at 1:30.

me & ty got there a little early
waited in the lobby for a good thirty minutes
then they took me straight back to ultrasound
i was nervous, and i asked them to let me know as soon as they saw anything..

the first thing that came out of the girls mouth was
"the baby is measuring 7 week 2 days"

so there is a baby? is there a heart beat?
then they reassured me that there was a heart beat and it was a good heart beat
my heart literally filled with so much joy & relief,
i just laid there looking at that screen at that little baby, that I thought i might had lost,
still crying but now those tears were just happy tears and i grabbed for tysons hand.
we didn't lose you, you are still with us sweet baby!!

they proceeded to do the normal check up on everything-
my original 8 week apt was suppose to be a week from that day.

i had Ty text my mom who was waiting for the news -she even took her phone into her meeting
and i'm pretty sure she might have cried a little too at the good news!
seriously love my mom and her big heart!

then we went to another room where my doctor came in and did an exam -
he noticed right away that i had a cervical ectopy.
which was hopefully the only reason causing this spotting that I have been having.
He reassured us that it was not a big deal and it would most likely heal on its own
and that it was not related at all to the baby
and the baby was healthy and if i miscarried it would have nothing to do with this.

SUCH RELIEF.

Finally so happy to hear a reason for why I have been seeing this unwanted blood.
I was so giddy the rest of the day, it was just so nice allowing myself to think I was pregnant again.
I made myself numb to the idea of being pregnant and didn't really want to think too far ahead about pregnancy planning during that last week.

The doctor put some kind of liquid bandaid on the spots and he said it sealed the blood right up-
and that I shouldn't see any more bleeding.
He gave us the due date of June 29th.


the day after -tuesday, november 13th - 7w+3 
I still saw blood today, kinda a lot- not period a lot
(there is some more details to this day, but i will spare you the too.much.information.)
called the doctors office
they reassured me that what i most likely saw was the "liquid bandaid" coming off,
they then told me that if it gets worse or doesn't let up by Friday to go back in -
and they will fit me right in.


friday, november 16th - 7w+6


Today, I thought I was just going back in for a check up on my bleeding that never seemed to go away... it wasn't anything heavy I just thought it had to deal with the cervical ectopy so I didn't bother telling Tyson to come with me.

I waited back in the room for a good while for the doctor to come in and see me.
The nurse came in and moved me to the ultrasound room
something I hadn't planned on, and if I would have known I would have had ty come to see

The doctor does the exam first, then ultrasound..
he was quiet and I think he saw that the bleeding wasn't necessarily coming from the previous problem we saw monday.. he then proceeded to the ultrasound

I could see what looked like our baby, but i was still waiting for those little heart beats..
I saw no movements on that screen,
so i asked if he could find a heart beat and he let me know that thats what he was looking for,
with some more silence i just began to sob, knowing that there wasn't going to be one.

it's something i can't explain, but if you remember watching Marley & Me and crying with jennifer anniston as she experienced it... it feels like that.
but worse, because its real life.

with a text to ty, telling him there was no heart beat he left school immediately and met me at the doctor
luckily we live in a very small town and he was there with me before the doctor came back in to give us  the run down of what will follow.

we scheduled a d&c for the following morning.

saturday, november 17th&nbsp -d&c;

In all honesty, up until the surgery I have tried to avoid thinking about the process of the d&c all together.

I'm a stresser and an over analyzer so I tried to keep my thoughts pretty clear so I wasn't a complete mess.

I'm still at the hospital, Ty left to run a quick errand so I figured it would be a good time to jot down my thoughts.
I'm just waiting for my Rogham shot so I can then be released to go home. I feel much better than I thought I would. I'm glad there was closure and hope for a fresh start with a healthy pregnancy in the future.

My husband has been amazing throughout this entire process.
I feel that we have been on the same page from day 1 and he has been there to nurture my needs.

scenarios could have been much worse i realize this and I just keep reminding myself of how blessed we already are.

unfortunately, things just weren't right this time around with this sweet baby and I'm sure ill continue to have my moments of sadness as reality hits but for now I am just thankful for what Heavenly Father has blessed us with in life already.

my dad sent all of us "kids" a quote a couple of weeks back,

it has applied so truly to all four of us. In our own situation over this past month.

"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out, don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers."
-Gordon B. Hinckley

Our Miscarriage/Trying to get Pregnancy Journey // read about it here

45 comments:

  1. I am so so sorry. i don't think there is anything anyone can say to make this situation any better...but i think i speak for alot of women - we are all here for you!

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  2. Your strength, courage, and faith in the midst of suffering is inspiring. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of a loss like this, but I know that God is holding you close to himself. My prayers are with you and your family.

    be at peace,
    d*

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  3. I've kept reading with tears in my eyes, because I know how you are feeling very well. I struggled having kids three years out of my 4 year marriage. I lost 3 babies back to back. But I am living proof that you can get pass this. With faith, God and love ones you will. I know feel blessed because I have a little girl that God has blessed me with to fulfill all those sadness with joy for the rest of my life. I'm here for you, and thank you for sharing. Not many people feel too open to put all this out there.

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I cried throughout this whole post just because i can relate so much. I have had three miscarriages within the last two years and i know how hard and emotional they are. Currently i am pregnant but we dont know if the baby will make it. of Coarse we are praying that it will but until then all we can do is trust in god. I will be praying for you and your family. and like elisa said we are here for you! stay strong
    XoXo

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  5. I'm so sorry sweetie. Things like this are so hard to go through but make us into the stronger person a loving Heavenly Father wants us to become. Thinking of you and saying a little prayer. Love you guys!

    Cathy

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  6. Love you Linds! So sorry for this! Life isn't always what we expect it to be, but you and your sweet little family will make it through this. Wishing you strength.

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  7. I am very sorry for your loss. I also lost my baby this June to an ectopic pregnancy. I understand the pain you are feeling all too well. I'm hoping you are on the mend. Wishing you strength as well.

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  8. That's so sad! When I had a miscarriage, it was sad, but I was thinking to myself "at least I can get pregnant" cause there are so many complications with pregnancy that I had no idea about until I started to think about having a family! Hang in there! And wishing the next one comes soon :)

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  9. :( I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the pain you're going through. You're right, Heavenly Father knows exactly what he's doing and someday you'll have the change to raise that sweet baby. Sending love & prayers your way :)

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  10. I'm send lots of thoughts, prayers, and love your way. I wish had words that could comfort you, but I will prayer that you are able to find peace with this. I know that God will bless your beautiful family with a healthy new member soon! Xoxo

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  11. My heart is breaking for you and your husband. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  12. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish that I could take away the pain I know you are feeling and give your sweet little baby back to you. My heart breaks for the pain I know you and your husband are suffering. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers <3

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  13. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss :( My heart breaks for you...I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. <3

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  14. I cried reading this and my heart hurt for the pain you are going through. I can't imagine..You are so strong for writing about all of this. You are right on when you say Heavenly Father has blessed you, and he will continue to do so.

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  15. For God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble... Praying for you to be given amazing comfort from Him.

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  16. xoxo thank you for sharing your story - i hope it helps you too. I don't know you and nothing I say will help, but I hope for only the best for you in the future and the days ahead. >Chelsea at diamondsdogtagsdiapers.com

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  17. I am so happy you shared this. It was really brave of you. May God comfort you when you have those rough days. xoxo Kaitlyn

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  18. I am so so sorry for your loss. Reading this brought tears to my eyes as I relived what I went through back in July.It happened exactly the same as your experience. I never knew just how heartbreaking a miscarriage could be until I went through it. You are filled with so many hopes and dreams for this little baby and then next, they are all gone. 4 months later I still cry when I stop and think about it but one thing is does make you realise is just how precious and blessed we are to have our children. they really are a miracle. Things will get a bit easier as time goes on but you will never forgot that little person.
    Thinking of you
    xoxo

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  19. I am so sorry! What an awful thing to go through. I am happy that you have the gospel in your life to help you through this! Let me know if there is anything that the Idaho bloggers can do for you!

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  20. Lindsey, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope your heart feels better soon. I will give your mama a hug.

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  21. Lindsey, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope your heart feels better soon. I will give your mama a hug.

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  22. I am so sorry for your loss, no one deserves to go what you've just gone through. I hope your beautiful little girl continues to give you lots of hugs and lift your spirits

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  23. I know you don't know me, but I am truly sorry. Praying for you!

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  24. I'm so sorry for your family is experiencing this loss. I have been there twice and know how hard it can be. Something that helped me through it was similar to what your Dad said about things always working out, it was that for whatever reason it just wasn't the right time, whether it be for you and your family or for the little baby. We each have our individual missions on this earth and some finish theirs before they even seem to really start and some just need to wait a little longer because of timing. With my first miscarriage I had spiritual experiences that helped me know that the baby just wasn't supposed to come at that time and (he) would come at a different time, My little guy who is 2 and 1/2 is without a doubt in my mind that little spirit. But with my second miscarriage I never felt like that spirit would come join our family on earth and I still find a lot of peace in knowing that baby completed its mission for the time being. I pray that you receive Whatever experiences or promptings you need to give you all peace and comfort at this time. It helps to hug that little ones we have a little tighter at times like these! and maybe eat some chocolate ice cream;)

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  25. I am so sorry for you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through. Your positive outlook and trust in God is inspiring and I hope with time you find healing.

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  26. I'm so sorry. I miscarried in October, and it was (and still is) miserable. Lots of people on fb are announcing their June pregnancies. I will think I'm doing okay, and then I will see that, and the pain starts over again. I only made it to 5w,3d this time. Keeping you in my prayers, Mama.

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  27. Keeping you in thoughts and prayers. squeeze lexi and tyson a little tighter than normal and you will get through this all!

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  28. I am so sorry for your loss, Lindsey.
    It is so very traumatic and personal, and appreciate you sharing your story. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and to this day, it it still devastating to me. However, I firmly believe that my little one had a bigger purpose and God needed that sweet babe back.
    I now have a 2.5 year old, and am expecting. Each pregnancy is a gift and is totally nervewracking, but I do believe that God has a plan and when the time is right, you will have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
    You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

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  29. im so sorry to hear this. And i love your dads quote. He hit it right on the nail. things happen for a reason and the end it does work out. your family is in my prayers
    the sweet life of a southern wife

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  30. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  31. I'm sooo sorry!!!! I've been in your shoes and it is sooo hard but stay strong..God is good!!!!!!! I've since had 2 babies!!

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  32. I'm at a complete loss for words, my friend. Keeping your in our nightly prayers for comfort and healing for you and Ty. xo

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  33. i rarely comment on blogs that I follow, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I am thinking of you and your family.

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  34. I'm so sorry Lindsey! I had a miscarriage before I had Charlotte...it is such an emotional roller coaster. We will be thinking of you guys! Love President Hinckley's words.

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  35. I am so so sorry Linds. I just went through that last Christmas time I know how you feel. Just remember that,that baby just needed a body for a short time and that you'll some day get it see him or her. I really felt comforted from a few books that I read. "Heaven is for real" and "gone to soon". That baby is never going to leave your thoughts. Even now as I am 21weeks along I still think about that baby and worry everyday about this one. The only thing that really helped was doing a sealing session the blessing that we received by getting sealed is so amazing. If you ever need to talk with someone I am always here.

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  36. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you xo

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  37. I have tears in my eyes reading this. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers. That quote from your dad is wonderful ((hugs)) xoxo

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  38. oh honey! i just found your blog tonight (and am thrilled to be following you now) and wish i could give you a big hug in person. i think you are so courageous and strong to share your heart like this.

    much love and many blessings to you.
    xoxo.

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  39. Lindsay!!! I am so sorry. : ( I haven't had time to catch up on blogs as much lately and this just broke my heart for you. praying for you and your family. i've been there myself (twice) and i know how truly heart wrenching it is. xo

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  40. I have had two miscarriages...I also went alone to the "check up" that became a silent ultrasound. I was carrying twins but only one had a heartbeat. It was beyond any pain I had ever known. Thankfully, my daughter was born very healthy but her twin "disappeared" . Next pregnancy, bleeding light for a few days, no cramping, 12 weeks. Went in for a quick check on a Friday afternoon for reassurance, no heartbeat. They didn't do a D&C, I wish they had. I spent the next week knowing every minute that I was losing my child and it was so awful. Sobbing every day, my other 3 little ones just kept hugging me saying "please don't be so sad mommy". They didn't know what was wrong. After 3 yrs we tried again, and my son was due on the same day my daughter and her "twin" were born 3 years earlier. He is such a gift. We are blessed with 4 beautiful healthy children now. I remember feeling like I would never take a chance and go through the fear and pain of loss again..keep your faith and thank you for sharing this part of your life. It brought back so many feelings for me. My heart breaks for your loss, wishing you all the best..

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  41. I stumbled on your blog today. This post hits the core. I also had a miscarriage. It's heart wrenching. I'm so sorry and will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your heart and story. All too much women keep their stuggles of miscarriage and infertility under wraps.

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  42. Came across your blog from Casey.

    I didn't miscarry, but instead this past August I lost our second baby when she was 2.5 days old. When we went into our 20-week ultrasound, she was diagnosed with a fatal birth defect. But I carried her to term so I could hold her. My heart just breaks reading your story, because I know how you feel in planning and wanting your kids x years apart. I get that. I'm struggling with the fact that we were counseled to wait a year to conceive again. I'm struggling to find peace in the Lord's plan, and not my own.

    You can read more about baby Amelia and my struggles on our blog if you want. (http://delightedtobe.com/baby-amelias-story-anencephaly/) But basically I just want to say thank you for opening up. :) xoxo

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  43. I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you both.
    xoDee

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