i found out that our waiting game is over.
it's not how i thought it was going to end
and we are left with some heartache
our sweet baby didn't make it at 7 weeks 6 days
i'm going to start back to week 3,
when i happened to take a chance to see if that little blue stick could tell me i was pregnant
it could & it did, and it told me I was...
giddiness & excitement followed & we were so excited
I documented as things progressed so I'll just share those as i wrote them,
so you can hear my raw feelings as they came:
day 1: tuesday, nov 6th - 6w+2
i first saw the tint in the undies that aren't suppose to be there,
I immediately went into freaking out mode, called the dr, text the husband, and got on google.....
nurse told me that since i didn't have cramping - it was probably nothing and they'd see me but it wasn't anything they can really do.. because things will take its course if needs be.
around the same time of being on the phone with the nurse, blind spots started to occur
which means get ready for a ginormous migraine.
luckily, the week prior i had called in to get a prescription for pregnancy safe migraine medicine.
something i knew i needed from the last round of pregnancy with lexi.
so i was able to take something immediately. very thankful.
took a nap, kinda.. rested, then voted
the rest of the day went on, and no more signs of anything tragic.
I decided to keep my head up, stay positive and maybe this was the "normal" kind
of bleeding some pregnancies encounter.
mom sent flowers that evening, since she is too far away for hugs
day 2: wednesday, nov 7th - 6w+3
saw more blood,
went into meltdown mode, again
she explained to me my options..
basically I could go in, perhaps see a heart beat today, then in two week there could be none.
and she proceeded to give me the basic run down of how a potential miscarriage would go
in the sweetest way possible
so I decided to just wait it out. keep hoping for nothing, and anticipating the worst.
got in a bath, lexi joined - i never get alone time :)
I was crying, lexi asked if i was sad, i replied with a yes...
then she follows with a great big hug.
with both arms wrapped around my neck
she did this the prior day when i was sad as well.
that alone makes every sad feeling, feel much better... so off and on I would "get sad"
and she was right there to comfort me.
ty was in class.
at any chance there might be a small feeling of blood, i go check to see.
it's an emotional roller coaster right now anticipating the worst and hoping for the best.
nothing more the rest of the day
the 3rd time. saturday, nov 10th 6w+6
a couple of wipes again today...
the 4th time. sunday, nov 11th 7weeks
it has pretty much been spotting all day today
tonight i just want to cry, and i've decided to call the doctor as soon as they open to see if they can move up my wednesday appointment.
i can't stand the wait anymore.
i feel more confidant that we will for sure know something if we go in to the doctor tom.
since no rush of blood has yet to come.
i'm afraid of something serious tomorrow. and i'm afraid of no heart beat.
i have so much anxiety and worry right now and i just want it to go away.
i want to know already what is going on with my body, just so sick of waiting
monday, november 12th & 7w+1 (which they changed to 7w+2)
the first appointment
this was a really nerve wrecking appointment for us, especially me.
I had been so nervous over the weekend and I was ready to just figure out what was going on inside of me. I was expecting the worse, with very high hopes that everything would be ok. Still not expecting them to be. Once again, I didn't think I was that lucky... but i guess i am that blessed!
Monday morning, i set my alarm clock for 8:30, for when the doctors office opened.
I called & I told them the situation (pretty consistent spotting with no cramps).
They fit me in that afternoon at 1:30.
me & ty got there a little early
waited in the lobby for a good thirty minutes
then they took me straight back to ultrasound
i was nervous, and i asked them to let me know as soon as they saw anything..
the first thing that came out of the girls mouth was
"the baby is measuring 7 week 2 days"
so there is a baby? is there a heart beat?
then they reassured me that there was a heart beat and it was a good heart beat
my heart literally filled with so much joy & relief,
i just laid there looking at that screen at that little baby, that I thought i might had lost,
still crying but now those tears were just happy tears and i grabbed for tysons hand.
we didn't lose you, you are still with us sweet baby!!
they proceeded to do the normal check up on everything-
my original 8 week apt was suppose to be a week from that day.
i had Ty text my mom who was waiting for the news -she even took her phone into her meeting
and i'm pretty sure she might have cried a little too at the good news!
seriously love my mom and her big heart!
then we went to another room where my doctor came in and did an exam -
he noticed right away that i had a cervical ectopy.
which was hopefully the only reason causing this spotting that I have been having.
He reassured us that it was not a big deal and it would most likely heal on its own
and that it was not related at all to the baby
and the baby was healthy and if i miscarried it would have nothing to do with this.
Finally so happy to hear a reason for why I have been seeing this unwanted blood.
I was so giddy the rest of the day, it was just so nice allowing myself to think I was pregnant again.
I made myself numb to the idea of being pregnant and didn't really want to think too far ahead about pregnancy planning during that last week.
The doctor put some kind of liquid bandaid on the spots and he said it sealed the blood right up-
and that I shouldn't see any more bleeding.
He gave us the due date of June 29th.
the day after -tuesday, november 13th - 7w+3
I still saw blood today, kinda a lot- not period a lot
(there is some more details to this day, but i will spare you the too.much.information.)
called the doctors office
they reassured me that what i most likely saw was the "liquid bandaid" coming off,
they then told me that if it gets worse or doesn't let up by Friday to go back in -
and they will fit me right in.
friday, november 16th - 7w+6
Today, I thought I was just going back in for a check up on my bleeding that never seemed to go away... it wasn't anything heavy I just thought it had to deal with the cervical ectopy so I didn't bother telling Tyson to come with me.
I waited back in the room for a good while for the doctor to come in and see me.
The nurse came in and moved me to the ultrasound room
something I hadn't planned on, and if I would have known I would have had ty come to see
The doctor does the exam first, then ultrasound..
he was quiet and I think he saw that the bleeding wasn't necessarily coming from the previous problem we saw monday.. he then proceeded to the ultrasound
I could see what looked like our baby, but i was still waiting for those little heart beats..
I saw no movements on that screen,
so i asked if he could find a heart beat and he let me know that thats what he was looking for,
with some more silence i just began to sob, knowing that there wasn't going to be one.
it's something i can't explain, but if you remember watching Marley & Me and crying with jennifer anniston as she experienced it... it feels like that.
but worse, because its real life.
with a text to ty, telling him there was no heart beat he left school immediately and met me at the doctor
luckily we live in a very small town and he was there with me before the doctor came back in to give us the run down of what will follow.
we scheduled a d&c for the following morning.
saturday, november 17th  -d&c;
In all honesty, up until the surgery I have tried to avoid thinking about the process of the d&c all together.
I'm a stresser and an over analyzer so I tried to keep my thoughts pretty clear so I wasn't a complete mess.
I'm still at the hospital, Ty left to run a quick errand so I figured it would be a good time to jot down my thoughts.
I'm just waiting for my Rogham shot so I can then be released to go home. I feel much better than I thought I would. I'm glad there was closure and hope for a fresh start with a healthy pregnancy in the future.
My husband has been amazing throughout this entire process.
I feel that we have been on the same page from day 1 and he has been there to nurture my needs.
scenarios could have been much worse i realize this and I just keep reminding myself of how blessed we already are.
unfortunately, things just weren't right this time around with this sweet baby and I'm sure ill continue to have my moments of sadness as reality hits but for now I am just thankful for what Heavenly Father has blessed us with in life already.
my dad sent all of us "kids" a quote a couple of weeks back,
it has applied so truly to all four of us. In our own situation over this past month.
"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out, don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers."
-Gordon B. Hinckley