Friday, November 30, 2012

just a follow up,

Walking back in to the doctor two weeks later after the miscarriage and d&c,
I have been blind sighted with about a thousand emotions I never saw coming.

I had been doing good and I try not to think about it all too much..
because when you dwell on negativity, it will consume you.. and not in a good way,
so i have avoided it as much as I can. so therefore,
i only have emotional moments when i talk about the process outloud
or go into deep thinking about what all has gone on.

But walking into the doctor today, waiting in the waiting room seeing different stages of pregnancy walk in and out of that room.. I realized how hard it was.
I started getting all emotional again.
waiting rooms are the worst, especially when you have things on your mind.

They called me back and took me into that same ultrasound room,
the same one where I last saw our baby with no heart beat.
I immediately started bawling, totally didn't see that coming.

And why an ultrasound room?
Can't they do this exam checkup in a regular visit room?
There's no baby in there anymore so it kinda felt a little like a slap in the face..
even though i came to realize that it was the best room to take me too incase my cervix felt hard? (nurse knowledge) and if they needed they would need to go in and do an ultrasound..
they do know what they are doing,
the nurses and doctor were so sweet while i sat there shocked at how emotional i was,
crying my precious little eyes out and i appreciated not feeling like i was crazy for being this emotional.

It is hard hearing babies heart beats in other rooms..
I never knew how badly I wished it was me hearing that sound instead of being in the situation I'm in but i will be forever more  grateful for this next pregnancy that can't come soon enough!
once again the "waiting game" continues..
it sucks when the doctor says to you,
k, you can try again in two to three months.
like no big deal, 2-3 months....
it seems like forever away!!

a couple of hours after my appointment i am feeling better
so on a lighter note,
I'm hoping no more bad news comes from that place
and I hate that this happens way too often with many other women..
I have appreciated all the loving words & support that has come from so many of you!
sometimes it is soo much easier to write things down on this blog, so much easier than talking about it in person or over the phone with friends.. so i'm sorry if you are a close friend or family member and you have only heard about this through the blog.
I'm pretty sure I couldn't make it through an outloud conversation.

Our Miscarriage/Trying to get Pregnancy Journey // read about it here

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Bags of Love- personalised gifts {product review}

Since the holiday season is coming up,
I figured I would designate this week to my product reviews.
I hope you know, I solely designate my product reviews in products that I truly believe in.
I would not share with you anything that I don't fully believe in or personally love & use.

With that being said, Bags of Love, has asked me to review one of their photography products.
Bags of Love is a handmade company over in London and they provide personalised gifts.
I chose this beautiful photo canvas of my daughter and i love the quality. 
I had a hard time deciding one just one product,
because they have everything from bedding, books, digital gadget cases, to house furnishings.
I finally decided, and went for a 16x20 canvas, and they did not disappoint!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Firmoo Glasses {product review}

oh hi, awkward picture of just me
there is a good reason why i'm not a fashion blogger, i work best behind the camera!

so let's just focus on those glasses
and the fact that they were able to fill my almost legally blind prescription

First of all, this is a sponsored post, asked me to review a pair of their prescription glasses.
In comparison to my older (hundred dollar) glasses from my eye doctor...
I cannot tell any difference in quality, I have been wearing these babies for a month now and they haven't failed me yet. The only one thing I do need adjusted is the temples (the arms that link the rims to your ears). They are a little loose on my head which can tend to give me headaches. It's something I experienced with my old glasses... I just need to get my lazy butt back in to the eye doctor and they will fit them to my head for free.

Vision and Fashion the Frugal Way is the ultimate goal of Firmoo,
so they have always committed themselves to providing customers with high-quality and fashionable eyewear at the most affordable prices. Firmoo launched a program offering free eyewear to first-time buyers in order to make more people try Firmoo’s quality products & excellent service.

If you would love to try, go here to get your FREE pair!
you can watch this video,
if you need a play by play on directions on how to snag this amazing deal!!

Thanks Firmoo! love em!

Monday, November 26, 2012

lazy sundays, and the start of christmas

it was the perfect cold, wet day...
and not to mention it was Sunday.. a day to just relax.
just me, lex, and ty

The entire towns power was out when we woke, so we stayed in bed extra long..
a little after noon' to be exact.
where we stayed in pjs for the remainder of the day
as soon as the power returned, we put on Elf and unpacked christmas boxes
we put up two trees, 
one big & one small
one decked with silver & red
and the other,
with knick-knack sentiments. 


 someone was a bit excited,
 when she was privileged with the star topper task!! 

she was so proud :) 
she also wanted every bit in, when i started hanging the ornaments!
unhanging, and rehanging..

grab a Santas Key tag printable here 

"It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Ev'ry song you hear seems to say
Merry Christmas.."

Saturday, November 24, 2012

our thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is always designated for tysons family 
and I get Christmas with mine.
It works out perfectly for both of us!

I'm VERY thankful for these two in my life!!
and we may or may not have crashed thanksgiving dinner, 
in pilgram & indian outfits this year :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

thanksgiving with a little one

Photobucket Photobucket
feather head piece: dollar store headband, hot glue, feathers, paint pen & felt

Photobucket Photobucket
 Photobucket Photobucket

litte wooden guy is from Ikea, just paint, twine, and add a little feather 
and you have yourself a cute little homemade indian!

a little creativity 
goes along way with a two year old 
who appreciates everything "fun" we do now days..
when i make something a "big deal" and do it with excitement, she eats it up!!

can't wait for christmas this year, b/c i'm loving this age!

inspirations drew from:
teepee cakecone | turkey sandwich | noodle feathers
message me if you attempt cake cones teepees, i might lend you a few tips

Saturday, November 17, 2012

our waiting game is over..

sadly today, 
i found out that our waiting game is over.
it's not how i thought it was going to end
and we are left with some heartache
our sweet baby didn't make it at 7 weeks 6 days

i'm going to start back to week 3,
when i happened to take a chance to see if that little blue stick could tell me i was pregnant
it could & it did, and it told me I was...
giddiness & excitement followed & we were so excited

I documented as things progressed so I'll just share those as i wrote them,
so you can hear my raw feelings as they came:

day 1: tuesday, nov 6th -  6w+2
i first saw the tint in the undies that aren't suppose to be there,
I immediately went into freaking out mode, called the dr, text the husband, and got on google.....
nurse told me that since i didn't have cramping - it was probably nothing and they'd see me but it wasn't anything they can really do.. because things will take its course if needs be.

around the same time of being on the phone with the nurse, blind spots started to occur
which means get ready for a ginormous migraine.
luckily, the week prior i had called in to get a prescription for pregnancy safe migraine medicine.
something i knew i needed from the last round of pregnancy with lexi.
so i was able to take something immediately. very thankful.
took a nap, kinda.. rested, then voted
the rest of the day went on, and no more signs of anything tragic.
I decided to keep my head up, stay positive and maybe this was the "normal" kind
of bleeding some pregnancies encounter.
mom sent flowers that evening, since she is too far away for hugs

day 2: wednesday, nov 7th - 6w+3
saw more blood,
went into meltdown mode, again
called nurse,
she explained to me my options..
basically I could go in, perhaps see a heart beat today, then in two week there could be none.
and she proceeded to give me the basic run down of how a potential miscarriage would go
in the sweetest way possible
so I decided to just wait it out. keep hoping for nothing, and anticipating the worst.
got in a bath, lexi joined - i never get alone time :)
I was crying, lexi asked if i was sad,  i replied with a yes...
then she follows with a great big hug.
with both arms wrapped around my neck
she did this the prior day when i was sad as well.
that alone makes every sad feeling, feel much better... so off and on I would "get sad"
and she was right there to comfort me.
ty was in class.

at any chance there might be a small feeling of blood, i go check to see.
it's an emotional roller coaster right now anticipating the worst and hoping for the best.
nothing more the rest of the day

the 3rd time. saturday, nov 10th 6w+6
a couple of wipes again today...

the 4th time. sunday, nov 11th 7weeks
it has pretty much been spotting all day today
it's sunday
tonight i just want to cry, and i've decided to call the doctor as soon as they open to see if they can move up my wednesday appointment.
i can't stand the wait anymore.
i feel more confidant that we will for sure know something if we go in to the doctor tom.
since no rush of blood has yet to come.
i'm afraid of something serious tomorrow. and i'm afraid of no heart beat.
i have so much anxiety and worry right now and i just want it to go away.
i want to know already what is going on with my body, just so sick of waiting

monday, november 12th & 7w+1 (which they changed to 7w+2)
the first appointment
this was a really nerve wrecking appointment for us, especially me.
I had been so nervous over the weekend and I was ready to just figure out what was going on inside of me. I was expecting the worse, with very high hopes that everything would be ok. Still not expecting them to be. Once again, I didn't think I was that lucky... but i guess i am that blessed!

Monday morning, i set my alarm clock for 8:30, for when the doctors office opened.
I called & I told them the situation (pretty consistent spotting with no cramps).
They fit me in that afternoon at 1:30.

me & ty got there a little early
waited in the lobby for a good thirty minutes
then they took me straight back to ultrasound
i was nervous, and i asked them to let me know as soon as they saw anything..

the first thing that came out of the girls mouth was
"the baby is measuring 7 week 2 days"

so there is a baby? is there a heart beat?
then they reassured me that there was a heart beat and it was a good heart beat
my heart literally filled with so much joy & relief,
i just laid there looking at that screen at that little baby, that I thought i might had lost,
still crying but now those tears were just happy tears and i grabbed for tysons hand.
we didn't lose you, you are still with us sweet baby!!

they proceeded to do the normal check up on everything-
my original 8 week apt was suppose to be a week from that day.

i had Ty text my mom who was waiting for the news -she even took her phone into her meeting
and i'm pretty sure she might have cried a little too at the good news!
seriously love my mom and her big heart!

then we went to another room where my doctor came in and did an exam -
he noticed right away that i had a cervical ectopy.
which was hopefully the only reason causing this spotting that I have been having.
He reassured us that it was not a big deal and it would most likely heal on its own
and that it was not related at all to the baby
and the baby was healthy and if i miscarried it would have nothing to do with this.


Finally so happy to hear a reason for why I have been seeing this unwanted blood.
I was so giddy the rest of the day, it was just so nice allowing myself to think I was pregnant again.
I made myself numb to the idea of being pregnant and didn't really want to think too far ahead about pregnancy planning during that last week.

The doctor put some kind of liquid bandaid on the spots and he said it sealed the blood right up-
and that I shouldn't see any more bleeding.
He gave us the due date of June 29th.

the day after -tuesday, november 13th - 7w+3 
I still saw blood today, kinda a lot- not period a lot
(there is some more details to this day, but i will spare you the too.much.information.)
called the doctors office
they reassured me that what i most likely saw was the "liquid bandaid" coming off,
they then told me that if it gets worse or doesn't let up by Friday to go back in -
and they will fit me right in.

friday, november 16th - 7w+6

Today, I thought I was just going back in for a check up on my bleeding that never seemed to go away... it wasn't anything heavy I just thought it had to deal with the cervical ectopy so I didn't bother telling Tyson to come with me.

I waited back in the room for a good while for the doctor to come in and see me.
The nurse came in and moved me to the ultrasound room
something I hadn't planned on, and if I would have known I would have had ty come to see

The doctor does the exam first, then ultrasound..
he was quiet and I think he saw that the bleeding wasn't necessarily coming from the previous problem we saw monday.. he then proceeded to the ultrasound

I could see what looked like our baby, but i was still waiting for those little heart beats..
I saw no movements on that screen,
so i asked if he could find a heart beat and he let me know that thats what he was looking for,
with some more silence i just began to sob, knowing that there wasn't going to be one.

it's something i can't explain, but if you remember watching Marley & Me and crying with jennifer anniston as she experienced it... it feels like that.
but worse, because its real life.

with a text to ty, telling him there was no heart beat he left school immediately and met me at the doctor
luckily we live in a very small town and he was there with me before the doctor came back in to give us  the run down of what will follow.

we scheduled a d&c for the following morning.

saturday, november 17th&nbsp -d&c;

In all honesty, up until the surgery I have tried to avoid thinking about the process of the d&c all together.

I'm a stresser and an over analyzer so I tried to keep my thoughts pretty clear so I wasn't a complete mess.

I'm still at the hospital, Ty left to run a quick errand so I figured it would be a good time to jot down my thoughts.
I'm just waiting for my Rogham shot so I can then be released to go home. I feel much better than I thought I would. I'm glad there was closure and hope for a fresh start with a healthy pregnancy in the future.

My husband has been amazing throughout this entire process.
I feel that we have been on the same page from day 1 and he has been there to nurture my needs.

scenarios could have been much worse i realize this and I just keep reminding myself of how blessed we already are.

unfortunately, things just weren't right this time around with this sweet baby and I'm sure ill continue to have my moments of sadness as reality hits but for now I am just thankful for what Heavenly Father has blessed us with in life already.

my dad sent all of us "kids" a quote a couple of weeks back,

it has applied so truly to all four of us. In our own situation over this past month.

"Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out, don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers."
-Gordon B. Hinckley

Our Miscarriage/Trying to get Pregnancy Journey // read about it here

Friday, November 16, 2012

once there was a snowman

sometimes your husband makes a huge snowman, 
then each of you pick your own flavor of campbells soup
to warm you up afterwards :)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

off to feed some ducks

 top: gap (last year) - sweater: h&m - leggings: gap - boots: joy folio

haha nothing like a blurry pic of the two of us :)

 assuming these two ladies were preggers??

 and she always sends them off with a nice little
"bye ducks" wave down