I have been blind sighted with about a thousand emotions I never saw coming.
I had been doing good and I try not to think about it all too much..
because when you dwell on negativity, it will consume you.. and not in a good way,
so i have avoided it as much as I can. so therefore,
i only have emotional moments when i talk about the process outloud
or go into deep thinking about what all has gone on.
But walking into the doctor today, waiting in the waiting room seeing different stages of pregnancy walk in and out of that room.. I realized how hard it was.
I started getting all emotional again.
waiting rooms are the worst, especially when you have things on your mind.
They called me back and took me into that same ultrasound room,
the same one where I last saw our baby with no heart beat.
I immediately started bawling, totally didn't see that coming.
And why an ultrasound room?
Can't they do this exam checkup in a regular visit room?
There's no baby in there anymore so it kinda felt a little like a slap in the face..
even though i came to realize that it was the best room to take me too incase my cervix felt hard? (nurse knowledge) and if they needed they would need to go in and do an ultrasound..
they do know what they are doing,
the nurses and doctor were so sweet while i sat there shocked at how emotional i was,
crying my precious little eyes out and i appreciated not feeling like i was crazy for being this emotional.
It is hard hearing babies heart beats in other rooms..
I never knew how badly I wished it was me hearing that sound instead of being in the situation I'm in but i will be forever more grateful for this next pregnancy that can't come soon enough!
once again the "waiting game" continues..
it sucks when the doctor says to you,
k, you can try again in two to three months.
like no big deal, 2-3 months....
it seems like forever away!!
a couple of hours after my appointment i am feeling better
so on a lighter note,
I'm hoping no more bad news comes from that place
and I hate that this happens way too often with many other women..
I have appreciated all the loving words & support that has come from so many of you!
sometimes it is soo much easier to write things down on this blog, so much easier than talking about it in person or over the phone with friends.. so i'm sorry if you are a close friend or family member and you have only heard about this through the blog.
I'm pretty sure I couldn't make it through an outloud conversation.