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Thursday, January 17, 2013

you are never excluded

You Are My Sunshine by Megan Moss on Grooveshark
miscarriage,
it has given me plenty of time to evaluate the precious gift of motherhood.
there is a lot i have learned, many stories i have heard, and i have been put back in my place several times, others travel hard roads too
and i have realized over and over again...
life, in more ways than one.. happens on HIS time, not mine.

I wrote this a little while ago, it has been a re-occurring thought
not always one that is so easy to express or just share

let's start way back last year when baby number two starts coming into my head..
the 3 years apart thing was coming up..
so i started planning things out in my head.
i'm a planner,
especially for these kinda things. they need to be planned
there needs to be strategy, timing, and preparedness for two kids.
so i started thinking 'ideally' on how i wanted things to play out.
when to get my iud out,
how far apart they would be,
month of birthdays,
husbands work & school..  play parts too,
etc.

tyson was not so much on this 'planning' thing- he doesn't really stress on 'planning'
so i went to my older sister for chats.
i remember when i was trying to calculate things out in my head & when ideally i wanted to start trying for second baby & my sister mentioned in a round about way "it's not as easy as planning" and I remember thinking in the nicest way possible (i promise)
"just because its been a hard road for you, doesn't mean that's where my fate will lie "
my sister and I have the utmost support for each other no matter the situation

and so i thought, it would be fairly easy to get pregnant, and plan

my sister has struggled getting baby number 2 for almost 2 years.
she has learned herself, things don't always go as planned.

fast forwarding:
we announced baby number 2 (this wasn't an overnight or month thing)
coincidentally the due date wasn't even at the most ideal time but we were excited regardless.


we shared the news with some of our closest friends and family members.
kristin was one of them, my best friend all growing up.
a couple of weeks later she found out to their surprise
she too, was pregnant!
can you imagine the excitement going through my head??
this was something we talked about-
but not something in my wildest thoughts would ever happen.
but seriously the timing?? you can't time things like pregnancies.
let alone with neither of us technically "really trying"

she ended up going in to her first appointment the same day i had my second followup.
hers was in the morning and mine was a couple of hours later.. (we don't live in the same state)
i was almost 8 weeks and we found out she was 6
she was given her due date, the same day i was given the news our baby didn't have a heart beat.

things aren't always ideal.
i was crushed, so sad we wouldn't have babies so close & go through pregnancy together
don't get me wrong,
i was still sooo so excited for her and her first baby. regardless of our news.

i remember in our phone calls the "whens a safe time to announce" came up,
she was nervous to announce too early..
but the only thing i could keep thinking was
you will be fine, since i miscarried maybe i took your percent away

so fast forward to a month later...
i received an almost identical text from kristin
"my baby doesn't have a heartbeat either"

my jaw dropped..
the thought of that was near impossible.
both of us both get pregnant together.
and both miscarry together?
this just doesn't happen..
she was about to go through that all too familiar situation.
after talking and over analyzing every step along the way..
once again I was taken back to.. we have no control.
this is all on HIS time, not ours.

life will happen the way it needs to, and apparently i need that little reminder often



"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Our Miscarriage/Trying to get Pregnancy Journey // read about it here

10 comments:

  1. <3 (hugs) imagine your little one and your bf's little one playing together in heaven and smile....you will see them one day...

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  2. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and I was heartbroken. I can't imagine the additional pain knowing your sister is going through the same thing. Somehow though, despite the constant sadness of knowing I would never hold my little baby, I just knew that God was in control and I never questioned his timing. I now have two wonderful children, a 2.5 year old girl and a 6 month old boy. They were born 2 years minus 2 days apart - June 27 and the 25. Talk about timing!

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  3. god does work in mysterious ways. although I am sadden about both yours and your friends loss, I am glad that you had each other to support one another in this trying situation. lots of virtual hugs for the both of you
    the sweet life of a southern wife

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  4. I am so sorry, for both of you . And all others too.

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  5. Your sweet babies are definitely in heaven playing together. Your family has remained in my prayers and I can't wait for the day you announce a new addition on the way!

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  6. Hello sweet girl. This is the first time that I've been on your blog and...I'm so glad that I found it. My husband and I have been trying to conceive since July and haven't been successful yet. My greatest fear is that something is wrong...and that when we do finally conceive, something will be wrong and I will miscarry. It's not something that freaks me out...but something that I do keep buried back in my head.

    Reading your words have given me strength. It isn't on our time, it's on HIS time...like everything.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you...and I will be around much more often.

    Stay strong and thank you for sharing your words here, I'm sure you have spoken directly to so many women who wish they had the courage that you do to pour your feelings into the world. xo

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  7. I appreciate your honesty in this post and your original one. My heart broke for you when I read that you miscarried as I was about 5 weeks pregnant myself. We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks and thought everything was fine. Went in again at 8 weeks and found out that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. Timing, hugs and trusting in God's plan is what has got us through. Hugs to you and your sweet friend.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    We too have lost a baby, our second. Here is our story: http://oliviaiamstilllearning.blogspot.com/2011/07/maybe-this-will-be-healing.html

    And here is what it feels like a year and half later with a four month healthy baby in your arms: http://oliviaiamstilllearning.blogspot.com/2012/11/grief.html

    I have three babies.

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  9. My heart breaks for you - but at least you have each other {and God, of course} to lead you through this.

    A scripture that immediately came to mind is Revelation 12:11

    "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony..."

    Lots of prayers to you - I've been through this with some friends and they all have had babies since - wonderful miracles and in the perfect timing. I don't know why we all had to go through such a heart-breaking trial, but I can honestly say that God is still a God of miracles and HIS timing is best!!!

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  10. Oh man, this is exactly what happened with my first baby and my best friends first baby! Both had miscarriages early on and then we both got pregnant again 8 months later and had the same due date and both had healthy babies! It is so crazy to think about everything in the big spectrum and how hard it is in the little life we have :) Hang in there and stay positive! Things do work out and we learn a lot along the way!

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