today was rough

before you read//
this post might only be well-received by those who have miscarried, you may read my feelings and totally not get them so i am just warning you- this is a vent & in the moment raw feelings.
I'm not catering it to make me not sound ungrateful for what I have already been blessed with in life. Which yes, i know i have a lot to be thankful for. but i am venting --

since i like to vent, i like to plan, and i like to analyze..
I have been through a dozen of different emotions, worries, and just huge anticipation for the next baby to be here for almost 3 months. It's easy to feel like you have no one to talk to when you are going through this process. Luckily for me, I have my friend kristin who also miscarried who has been there for me to talk to through all of it.
i'm positive she was heaven sent, all the way back in 1st grade.

to be honest, no one will ever get the feelings you go through of having a miscarriage,
unless you have actually experienced one.
as i am sure that relates truly to every other trial in life.

and let's be even more honest, husbands don't always really know what to say in these types of situations.

my friend kristin worded it best,
"well i think it's a whole different level when you miscarry and I don't think anyone can fully understand it until they go through it themselves because I really didn't even know what to say/think when it happened to you and then bam I was like well now I know somewhat how she feels"

so that is why i have chosen to write down my feelings publicly, on this little blog..
for that one girl who doesn't have someone to turn to, or just wants to hear someone else to relate to

i have never once in my life been "baby hungry"
it's a huge committment to just plan to have a baby..
i knew it was time, the last round and I knew I would be ready by that 9 month span.
But, not until the last two months have i been "baby hungry"
Everyone and their mom is announcing their pregnant, and you literally just wish you still had that baby. I'm not sure about everyone else who has experienced this but the wait seems like forever.
Its a long emotional wait, full of anticipation.
everything you were once planning for, gets put on hold

this month we tried, last month we kinda did too... but this month we actually did the ovulation sticks and I figured out, that day 11 seems to be a pretty consistent ovulation day for me.. last month it didn't look like we could have even conceived to do that calculation i found out this past time.
hope i didn't lose you- but i'm trying not to be too specific.

so this time around I wanted to make sure our odds were pretty good.
and that we did, we cranked up the chances for those little guys to actually do their job

i originally said,
if we didn't get pregnant.. than we obviously weren't meant to.

so the 5 day span before your missed period started coming up, anticipating it all even more.
i tested early on the last pregnancy that I ended up miscarrying,
so I thought for sure it would be able to detect early this round too

i got 2 not pregnant stick and my hopes were getting let down each time
even if I were testing way early, thats the anticipation getting the best of me.
on Day 26 of cycle i tried, and i got a pregnant.
it was seriously the best feeling in the world to see that pregnant pop up -without the not-
i ran and told lex, cried, and just hugged the crap out her waiting for ty to come home.
I have been on 28 day cycles for pretty much a year straight even through a miscarriage.

so Day 29
start my period.
i don't even know where to start on emotions,
but let's just leave it at, I have cried a lot today.
getting a false pregnancy test is a very rare thing - but yet i seemed to get one.
I didn't test twice on Day 26, because i didn't have another stick to test with



extremely annoyed, frustrated, and just sad



Talked to my nurse today, she told me to retest & i did.. this one said not pregnant - so we scheduled for an apt. tom just to go in and make sure things are looking normal on my insides.
they will do an ultrasound if my bleeding isn't too heavy. t.m.i -I have purple'ish blood- i had it last cycle as well.. hoping nothing is serious. i'm sure i will keep this link updated..

other miscarriage post//  here