Thursday, February 7, 2013

today was rough

before you read//
this post might only be well-received by those who have miscarried, you may read my feelings and totally not get them so i am just warning you- this is a vent & in the moment raw feelings.
I'm not catering it to make me not sound ungrateful for what I have already been blessed with in life. Which yes, i know i have a lot to be thankful for. but i am venting --

since i like to vent, i like to plan, and i like to analyze..
I have been through a dozen of different emotions, worries, and just huge anticipation for the next baby to be here for almost 3 months. It's easy to feel like you have no one to talk to when you are going through this process. Luckily for me, I have my friend kristin who also miscarried who has been there for me to talk to through all of it.
i'm positive she was heaven sent, all the way back in 1st grade.

to be honest, no one will ever get the feelings you go through of having a miscarriage,
unless you have actually experienced one.
as i am sure that relates truly to every other trial in life.

and let's be even more honest, husbands don't always really know what to say in these types of situations.

my friend kristin worded it best,
"well i think it's a whole different level when you miscarry and I don't think anyone can fully understand it until they go through it themselves because I really didn't even know what to say/think when it happened to you and then bam I was like well now I know somewhat how she feels"

so that is why i have chosen to write down my feelings publicly, on this little blog..
for that one girl who doesn't have someone to turn to, or just wants to hear someone else to relate to

i have never once in my life been "baby hungry"
it's a huge committment to just plan to have a baby..
i knew it was time, the last round and I knew I would be ready by that 9 month span.
But, not until the last two months have i been "baby hungry"
Everyone and their mom is announcing their pregnant, and you literally just wish you still had that baby. I'm not sure about everyone else who has experienced this but the wait seems like forever.
Its a long emotional wait, full of anticipation.
everything you were once planning for, gets put on hold

this month we tried, last month we kinda did too... but this month we actually did the ovulation sticks and I figured out, that day 11 seems to be a pretty consistent ovulation day for me.. last month it didn't look like we could have even conceived to do that calculation i found out this past time.
hope i didn't lose you- but i'm trying not to be too specific.

so this time around I wanted to make sure our odds were pretty good.
and that we did, we cranked up the chances for those little guys to actually do their job

i originally said,
if we didn't get pregnant.. than we obviously weren't meant to.

so the 5 day span before your missed period started coming up, anticipating it all even more.
i tested early on the last pregnancy that I ended up miscarrying,
so I thought for sure it would be able to detect early this round too

i got 2 not pregnant stick and my hopes were getting let down each time
even if I were testing way early, thats the anticipation getting the best of me.
on Day 26 of cycle i tried, and i got a pregnant.
it was seriously the best feeling in the world to see that pregnant pop up -without the not-
i ran and told lex, cried, and just hugged the crap out her waiting for ty to come home.
I have been on 28 day cycles for pretty much a year straight even through a miscarriage.

so Day 29
start my period.
i don't even know where to start on emotions,
but let's just leave it at, I have cried a lot today.
getting a false pregnancy test is a very rare thing - but yet i seemed to get one.
I didn't test twice on Day 26, because i didn't have another stick to test with



extremely annoyed, frustrated, and just sad



Talked to my nurse today, she told me to retest & i did.. this one said not pregnant - so we scheduled for an apt. tom just to go in and make sure things are looking normal on my insides.
they will do an ultrasound if my bleeding isn't too heavy. t.m.i -I have purple'ish blood- i had it last cycle as well.. hoping nothing is serious. i'm sure i will keep this link updated..



Our Miscarriage/Trying to get Pregnancy Journey // read about it here

22 comments:

  1. My heart hurts for you. I've never been through this and I don't know what to say to make you feel any better but just know that I'm going to pray for you. I'm going to pray for God to give you strength, guidance and understanding.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lindsey i am so sorry you are going through this, one of my best friends is going through thee exact same thing and at times i dont even know what to say, but i guess there isnt much you can say but sympathizes and pray. my heart goes out to you! praying for you and your family !

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry! I am not at that stage in my life (single and 26) but I know how much I want to "plan" out my family in the future. I know this must be hard and I can't begin to say "I understand...". Good luck with moving forward and just give your husband and daughter big hugs and kisses! You are in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  4. i know i cant say much, especially having never been in this situation, but I hope you know that even though we dont all personally relate on the exact same level, we still have you in our thoughts during this time. many hugs being sent your way
    the sweet life of a southern wife

    ReplyDelete
  5. I understand your feelings. We went through a miscarriage with our first baby. It took us 7 months to get pregnant; I thought that felt like "forever". We were finally pregnant, only to miscarry 10 weeks into the pregnancy. Fortunately, we now have a baby. But, I still think about how old our first baby would have been (he/she would have been a year old this month). I also went through a huge time of grieving after having our miscarriage. My sister in law became pregnant a few weeks after we miscarried; I had a hard time being happy for her. It is really hard and no one knows until they have the same experience. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. (hugs) i know how hard it can be :( hang in there. things will look up for you mama.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sorry. I wish there was more that I could say. I remember trying after losing Preslee, and though it only took a few months, it seemed like eternity. I know how it consumes your thoughts, and I'm just so sorry. And I'm sorry that I'm expecting when it's so tough for you right now. I remember people apologizing to me, and I was happy for them, but being on the other side is different now. I just wish there was more I could do.

    I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow, and I'm grateful that you and Kristen have each other. If you need anything let me know. Love ya.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sorry. I do know the feeling. I had an ectopic pregnancy in June. I almost died. I've struggled for many months. Many emotions have affected me the last several months. My due date would have been January 19th. I had horrific panic attacks. I could barely breathe. I've been trying for 7 months with no luck but I have faith that some day I'll have a child. Good luck to you xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  9. this might sound weird but ever since we talked this morning on fb i thought back to your comment about the only thing that made your day and have been kicking myself for not asking to see if you were ok. i wish there was something i could do or say to make it better. i haven't been through this but i know how much i loved my little one the instant i found out i was pregnant and i couldn't imagine loosing her at any point after that. hang in there and keep us updated. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  10. So sorry you are going through this:( When I was trying to get pregnant with Jack I was almost positive I was pregnant a few times and had late periods both times too ...then I started rubbing progesterone cream on me and that was the month I got pregnant (month 10). I hadn't gotten tested to see if my levels were low but had researched a little on the internet and thought maybe that was why. Not saying that is what is wrong with you, but just a thought. I am sure they will test all of your levels at your dr. Hope you get that baby soon! I hate waiting, its sucks and I'm sure after a miscarriage its even harder:(

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of miscarriage and it hurts. And you are so right when you say that unless you've been through it before, you just can't quite understand. This is my own post from a while ago about my miscarriages. It was therapeutic to write it down.

    http://annieandpaulstaten.blogspot.com/2011_01_01_archive.html

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for once again updating us in this topic. I have no words to really just tell you. But I know what your going through and I just want to say I'm sorry. It's not easy I've also thought I was pregnant and every-time it's a let down. I sometimes doubt I have a baby again, I'm blessed with my 17 month old. But then again, I hope soon I'll have a positive sign, I'd like to have another baby. So I wish you the best this appointment coming up, may God bless you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I fell for you my love. I have been there, in your shoes. Cried the tears you have cried.

    I have had blessings out of my trials though and I pray that you have renewed strength.

    I know your beautiful words have helped someone. keep them coming beautiful mama.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hugs! I suffered a miscarriage before I got pregnant with Vinny and I know exactly how you feel. I've been there and had the worst of days dealing with the frustration and pain. I'm praying for you. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm so sorry! I can agree with everything you said with how one feels! It took 7 months after my miscarriage to get pregnant And at the time I was in a ward with 24 or so youn student couples all having kids. At any given time about 8 were pregnant so lots of baby showers were thrown and I remember breaking down at one and decided I couldn't go to anymore till I was pregnant myself! It just plain sucks when you want something so bad and it doesn't come easy! Or at all for some! Hang in there

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hey Lindsey,

    I'm glad I found your blog through Casey's site. I can't stop reading... You are so spot on about no one truly understanding miscarriage until they too have been through it. It's kindof like being an awesome parent- until you have kids! I've been there. We for sure lost one. And just recently before our second little one had a very faint positive. When I went into the dr though nothing. It hurts so much. No one can even tell you how much so. It's something you don't ever completely get over. And yet, what you begin to see through the pain... the ways you can reach out to others... that is a beautiful thing. Ahh So glad I found your blog :) Following ya :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Praying that everything goes well at the doctor!

    ReplyDelete
  18. upesalovetemple@gmail.com i just want to share with you all about my testimony i recently had a love spell cast on me by this man called Dr upesa which help me to return my lover back to me so i really want to thank this man and his gods for what he has done for me i will advice anyone in need of help to contact him upesalovetemple@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. I m ANGELINA from RUSSIA,My ex lover now [husband] is back and we are happily married with kids and i m here to gave thanks and appreciation to Dr MAXI the spell caster of maxispelltemple@yahoo.com for all the time He stood by me,for all the truth He make me see,for all the happiness He brought into my life,for all the wrongs He make right,for every of my dreams He make come through and for the help i found in Him,i am grateful and thankful unto Him,He was the one that helped me all,He never let me fall,He was the one that saw me through it all,He was .my source of strength when i was weak,He was my voice when i couldn`t speak,He was my eyes when i couldn`t see,He saw the pain wasn`t good for me,He lifted me were i couldn`t reach,i m everything i m today because You helped me,i m so happy my husband is back in my life at last,His email is maxispelltemple@yahoo.com,A temple were sorrows are dropped and happiness is gain in return.

    ReplyDelete


  20. My name is Lamis Ghazali i am from United States, I was i a relationship with Ben and we loved and cherished ourselves for 6 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, a day i can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because i answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but i refused,and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and i begged him because i love him so much but he refused me i was so down cast and i felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a Dr OSIAN that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back,a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first i was scared but i have to give this man a trial because i love Ben very much and i am not willing to loose him to any woman,so i ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex is came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great Dr OSIAN of Goddess. if you need his help you can contact him on osianspelltemple@yahoo.com


    ReplyDelete


  21. Be careful here nobody can help you here or even suggest how you can get your ex or love back,any testimonies of most spell caster here must be ignore.because most of them are scam i mean real scam which i was a victim and i got ripped of thousands of dollars because i was so anxious to get my wife back after she left me for over 2 years with my 7 years old son jerry,i have applied to 7 different spell caster here and all to no avail they all ask for same thing send your name your ex name address and picture phone number etc which i did over and over again and most of them were from west Africa until i saw a post about mama Anita spell and i decided to gave her my last trail.she ask me four things my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and $180 and said my ex will come back in 24hours, i have paid over $3000 on spell casting and courier and nothing have work for me after 3 days i was thinking about how much i have lost so far so i said let me give her a try so i called her again and send my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and the $180 because i swear it was my last try so i was waiting as she told me to wait till next day and i could not sleep that night because i really love my wife and want her back at 9pm that day i saw my wife on line on face book and she said hi at first i was shock because she never talk with me for the past a year and 9 month now i did not reply again she said are you there? i quickly reply yes and she said can we see tomorrow i said yes and she went off-line i was confused i try to chat her again but she was no more on line i could not sleep that night as i was wondering what she is going to say, by 7.am the next morning she gave me a miss call i decided not to call back as i was still on shock again she call and i pick she said can we see after work today i said yes so she end the call immediately i got off work she call me and we meet and now we are back again i call mama anita the next day thanking her for what she has done in fact i still call her and thank her as my life was not complete without my wife please be careful here i have been scam thousands of dollars if you want a true love spell then contact mama Anita (mama.anitatruelovespell@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete

I reply to all comments via e-mail-
make sure you attach your email if you would like a reply!