Sometimes the best way to document my story
is just using entries from my journal, in it's raw state.
Because I still don't ever want to erase that week from our life..
we were too happy to not have them documented.
we were too happy to not have them documented.
Saturday, May 2nd-
Yesterday I passed what was going to be our 4th pregnancy..
(which is now our 2nd miscarriage- but not consecutively.. i had one before we had Zoey)
We were hoping it was going to be our 3rd babe,
Our Father in Heaven had different plans for us and this pregnancy.
{If you are new here..} Lexi's pregnancy went smoothly, then I miscarried.. I had light spotting around week 6 of that pregnancy but at 7 weeks they told me the bleeding was caused by a cervical ectopy baby looked healthy and had a good heart beat.. 4 days later I went in for what I thought was just a followup apt. & found out that there was no heart beat and then had to follow that up with a D&C, then it took a year + of trying and I finally got pregnant with Zoey's pregnancy which I had light spotting for a couple days around week 5/6 which ended up being a hematoma & went on to carry her full term -but we also found out in that pregnancy that me and Tyson were both Cystic Fibrosis Carriers. 1 in 4 chance we could pass CF on.
Every experience has been so different.
Things have been a roller coaster of emotions for sure.
In February after 5 months of really trying to get pregnant, and a doctor visit re-confirming that i have a below average egg reserve left (mine is .29) Average Range (Low being .58 - 8.13) I felt super defeated on our chances of even getting pregnant, my OBGYN didn't exactly know what our chances with that number would be so she recommended me calling our IVF doctor if I wanted more information.. (We looked into IVF PGD on and off for a good 4 years to avoid passing on CF but late last summer after finding out more personal results on me and Tyson's carrier status we felt really good about going the natural route- i talk way more into detail about our story as CF carriers here) Well I didn't really want to call our IVF doctor back for an apt. because me and tyson had pretty much closed the door on the idea of doing IVF... so we talked about it all and decided to just "be done trying".
If it happened it happened.
Well let's just say the next month it must have happened..
because on day 31 of my missed cycle two lines appeared and i was in shock!!
Like 3 test later.. we were in shock but oh so excited!
The moment I found out that I was actually pregnant (negative pregnancy sticks get super old) I was in shock and so excited.. we had so much joy in our hearts! I immediately told Tyson - he had no idea I was even testing or even knew I was late.. we waited a couple of days and then let the girls in on our new little secret, b/c who doesn't want to shout that from the roof tops? We couldn't keep it to ourselves and our girls were more than excited for this next stage of life! Lexi thought up baby names the entire day while Zoey practiced holding babies and "being sweet"... i received a million little hugs and "im so excited" reminders that day and the days that followed. It sadly only got to last one week but it was seriously the happiest week especially during this whole quarantine thing..
(After our last miscarriage I told myself I wouldn't deny myself the joy of pregnancy & the 1st trimester in fear of it not working out.. this held true to this one too.. although I knew it was a possibility.. and we were telling them super early.. we would have missed out on all of the excitement it brought to our little family)
Sometimes hard moments make you appreciate the good moments a little more...
We had already planned to head to Memphis that following weekend so we decided to just share the news with my parents then.. no one could hold in their excitement because not only did my mom not even know we were coming for a surprise visit (my dad did)... we were going give her and my dad a second surprise with the big news!
We got in to TN on a Friday.. Fast forward to the following week..
Wednesday I first saw a tint of blood when I went to the bathroom.. I saw it a couple times that day but I was praying it was nothing and hoping it was just a hematoma like the scare I had in Zoey's pregnancy around the same time..
Well Thursday came along.. and this was much heavier bleeding (similar to a period) and pretty constant ALL DAY long. I broke down in the bathroom that afternoon knowing this was probably not a subchorionic hematoma that it was most likely a miscarriage. I just sat there and cried for the loss of this pregnancy.. Ty found me and and gave me a hug and told me to stay positive.. shortly after Tyson and my dad gave me a priesthood blessing & my nerves subsided. I continued to bleed that day and felt like things were still moving towards a miscarriage.. Lexi asked how the baby was at one point that night and i told her not good that i thought we were losing it.. she broke down crying and i will never forget her words and how her little heart shattered too, i took her in another room and just held her and we cried together. That girl has the biggest heart I know! I continue to talk her through it and just remind her of all of the good things. I had some cramping that evening and the following day was Friday.. the day we were heading back home to TX i continued to bleed just like a period and had cramps that morning, and when we got home that night I passed what looked like the tissue membrane from the baby.
It's Saturday now and the bleeding is so light almost gone compared to the days prior and although i don't have 100% closure on this now.. I'm still waiting for what would have been my 6 week apt this coming Wednesday..
At this point I've become hopeful, my heart is holding out for some miracle that something else caused all this but in my head I've been preparing myself that this was in fact a miscarriage and we will just have to keep trying.
If it was a miscarriage I just want closure and at least a doctor appointment to let me know things have cleared out on their own..
Tuesday, two weeks from the day we found out I had my 6 week apt and sadly received the confirmation that I am no longer pregnant. Tyson wasn't able to go into the actual visit with me due to Covid-19 policies.. he stayed outside the office doors getting everything by text. Although I didn't get the news we were hoping, i did get closure.
After our last miscarriage it took us over a year to get pregnant with Zoey.. I remember thinking the miscarriage wasn't actually the hard part of it all.. it was the disappointment each month.. so I guess that's where I am now. Anticipating these feeling all over again..
Gods timing is perfect.
Although I have cried many tears in the last week
I know with all my heart everything happens for a reason, and this was just not our time.
Appreciating the joy it brought to our family and the reminder to not give up..
We are learning to have continued patience,
that He has a plan for us, and that He will always be there guiding us.
