Monday, February 6, 2012

{Monday mornin' thought} love languages

What Can I Do (But Love You) by Joy Williams on Grooveshark

soo let's see... this book 
could have me talking for days on different topics but i will try to narrow it down & make it somewhat organized
i'm not so much a reader.. i hardly ever buy books. unless its for lexi or for a photo prop :) 

But right before Christmas I headed to grab my mom one, my parents are both readers
Anyways I was browsing forever trying to find the perfect one when I came across
The 5 Love Languages...
I had read a blog post prior that someone was talking about love languages so it kinda intrigued me... so i bought it and grabbed my mom a different one.
(I actually forgot my mom has a kindle until my dad mentioned it to me afterwards... and the one i ended up getting her she had already- side note flop)

so I have read half of it. ha

i struggle finishing books?!?
maybe i'll have a follow up of what "ive learned" once i actually finish the thing...

but during the period of time I did read that book I found everyday scenarios more clearly & I was able to pin-point situations that could go differently. I was correcting family members. Why is it so much easier to fix others rather then ourselves??

Ex: I was at my parents for the holidays & we were skyping with my sister & she was venting about something... well my mom was offering advice.. and I was like noo all she wants is someone to vent to. just to listen. not to hear advice. (i had just read about that in my little book) so it was fresh on the mind!
oh brother, do I have a problem at taking my own advice! same scenario happens a while later and what do i do?! give advice. my sister is a great listener, a great advice giver, and always seems to make me feel better when I am down. and what did i do? well I wasn't there for her how she needed me -she needed a listener.    I wasn't filling her "love tank"

Literally when you think of The 5 Love Languages.. you think its a book for you and your spouse.. it's good for that but you can relate it to whoever you love.

I got to thinking about Lexi's love language.. and i think every human's love language will change as we grow & encounter different stages of life. But Lexi's love language right now is Quality Time..
I notice I am way more impatient with her when I am in the middle of a "deadline" or project  and I have no time to pay her all the attention she deserves. She just throws an even bigger tantrum.. b/c she is not getting what she wants.. leaving me with even smaller patience. 
BUT what does she want?
95% of the time all she wants is my attention. She can't tell me things yet so it comes out in that sassy little whine. It's a nice wake up call to remind my self that she just needs me. a lot of me.
needy like her mom

I read this story - I can't even remember where from, but it, hit home...

"I ran into a stranger as he passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you." We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by his bed; "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said. "Are these the flowers you picked for me?" He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway." I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

sad huh? it is life, we do get in a hurry..

"Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave."

"Their misbehavior was a misquided search for the love they did not feel. They were seeking love in all the wrong paces and in all the wrong ways."

My love language is Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time 
and i'm pretty sure they all rank EVENLY. I'm kinda needy
My husbands is Words of Affirmation.

"Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English."

In the book it talks a lot about Keeping the Love Tank Full.
Here is one main point that I have pulled away from the book.

"Whatever the quality of your marriage now, it can always be better... People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full."

"Once the experience of falling in love has run its natural course (remember, the average in-love experience last two years), we will return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves...

Little by little, individuals patterns assert themselves. They are two individuals. Their minds have not melded together, and their emotions mingles only briefly in the ocean of love. Now the waves of reality begin to separate them. They fall out of love, and at that point either they withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new in-love experience, OR they begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in-love obsession.

Some couples believe that the end of the in-love experiences means they have only two options: resign themselves to a life of misery with their spouse, or jump ship and try again. Our generation has opted for the latter.

Before we automatically conclude that we have made the better choice, perhaps we should examine the data. According to a substantial body of research, the divorce rate for second marriages is at least 60 percent, and rises when children are involved.

Research seems to indicate that there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was- a temporary emotional high - and now pursue "real love" with our spouse.

True love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.
We cannot take credit for the kind and generous things we do while under the influence of "the obsession"
OK back to me... I know that was a novel, but seriously such a good part of the book!
and I do realize this doesn't apply to every couples situation...

my goal now:
make sure my husband and lexi have "full love tanks"
that means extra sweet notes of appreciation and word of encouragement to my husband
and giving lexi my full undivided attention when she needs me

My husband is not perfect.. but he sure knows how to be the sweetest guy in the world! It may not always come out but it does..  he has my whole heart. my "real love" heart. and it's moments like this when I can't help but be grateful for what we have!
 getting messages like this when you open the shower curtain after having said goodbye for a week of  long distance is very much appreciated!

 Maybe try and figure out your mans love language, and use Valentine's to start catering to it!!

Don't forget to enter the Elle Bowtique massive giveaway if you haven't already! 


  1. What a beautiful post! Wow! And that story always makes me cry. =( It's so sad but true. It's harder to be kind to our own family then it is a complete stranger.

  2. I just discovered your blog through Eat Yourself Skinny.  This was the post I saw first and it truly spoke to me.  I am a wife to a wonderful man and I am also a stay-at-home-mom to two amazing little children, 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son...and this requires so much patience and love.  I had heard about Love Languages years ago, and I'm glad you reminded me of it.  My husband and I took the quiz - no surprises to our results - but it was nice to have "someone else" let us know what the other needs to be shown love.  Your small story about the little boy and the flowers broke my heart - so sad, but it happens...even to the best of us.  Life, love, and relationships...always a work in progress and there is always room for improvement.  Thank you for the inspiration and encouragement.
    ~ Rebecca @ All-American Vegetarian
    P.S. Love your post about Coconut Oil - fabulous!!!

  3. This is a great post! A friend of mine gave me the book and I am not one to read self help books or advice books. I tend to lose interest just by reading the title, however, I read this one and I absolutely loved it. It makes so much sense!! I am glad that you wrote about this!! I love the quote 
    "Inside every child is an 'emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave." 

  4. quality post linds! Loved the little story of the mom& boy. so often i fall into the same trap... Caught up into the daily routine of laundry, dishes, & chores when all I really should be doing is playing with my girls... Living in the present and enjoying each and every moment. I've got a lifetime of laundry and chores but my girls wont be young forever. We have a relief socity enrichment on wendesday on the love languages. i think you inspired me to read the book! I'm wokring on the glass castle and then i think i need to start it! thanks for sharing your findings!


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